Hello?

Quilt by Rossanna Balbaro

Is one part of you stalking the others? Can you remember moments of détente in your body? When you slipped past the limits of habitual language, of endless negotiation? But we know that coming together isn’t the instinct, fragmenting is. The two sides — the fundamental division between stagnation and movement, between rot and growth — each seeking to win. No, not seeking anything, remaining true to a habit of being. Orienting to one another, these two sides stay locked in the dance, in the dialogue, in the circular exertion that has no reward.

“Hey, you two! Hello! Here I am, Life. Tomorrow, next, different, more. Can you see me? What if you both turn to me? I am standing (or lounging) on the other side of the looking glass, outside the frame.”

Life is draped in cotton and silk, wrapped in colorful mosaic shapes and as black as midnight. Her voice is mellifluous, like a song bird, and mesmerizing like Nico. She is male and female, small and towering, waiting and running, watching from a treehouse and perched on a barstool. She speaks Farsi and Haitian Creole, Thai and Bulgarian. She is calling out and whispering and willing you to listen; she doesn’t need you. Still, she is ready for you if you decide to come. She is Life, and beyond that, Death. It is a sequence.

Aliveness can rise from the slipstream. There you are, splashing about. You can stop, rest your limbs, open to the divide, allow both sides to turn from one another and toward Life. You can notice. A deliberate act. Every breath a chance. Turn to Life, notice it, insist on it, welcome it. There she is, trying to get your attention again. The smell of coffee, the rocky path, the friend who is dying, the memory of hanging by your knees from the monkey bar, a Kandinsky painting, a siren in the distance, church bells, the pang of guilt, somewhere a baby with bread and butter squished between his tiny fingers..

We must decide on behalf of Life and in accord with it.

The following prompts were written as discrete items, but in truth they fit together, or dovetail, so that one draws from a broad palette rather than oversimplifying and coming up with a singular solution.

Consider “indecisiveness” a resource versus something wrong with you. Where in your history, personal or ancestral, did you learn that making decisions endangers people? These are the places where intellect often fights with felt sense, and intellect usually loses. Are we guided by the somatic memory of our predecessors making decisions that brought pain or death?

Move out of the all-or-nothing world. The mindset that the “right” choice will set the course in a good way, the “wrong” choice will decimate us. Take one step, think of it as a hypothesis, test it. If the hypothesis doesn’t hold, make another hypothesis, test it, take a step. All or nothing places the responsibility for Life outside of us.

We have our parts, of course. Often, the most frightened part is the loudest: HELP me, I can’t, I shouldn’t, I am unable. This is the young part who demands attention. Take small steps to let yourself experience yourself outside the reach of this voice – powerful, mobile, ready to take responsibility. Get to know this part better. Offer shelter to the young part and let it rest.

Be alert to displacing decisions onto others. For example, making yourself intolerable so that they leave. Interrupt the instinct. Feel it happening and take it as an alarm. What is it trying to wake you up to, or awaken in you? For example: Oh, I want to ask for this, but I can’t get myself to, so I’ll sacrifice my partner to my Passivity. Redefine indecision. It is an indicator, announcing fear. If you weren’t afraid, what would you do?